Kat is my best friend of the moment. We met over Thanksgiving because she is a mutual friend, she is Jeremy's friend. We became close over facebook as we each helped the other out with their assorted troubles and drama.
I'm not sure what we will do but we have been planning on hanging out when I got home for weeks and weeks.
I haven't shared this with many people, but this is my blog so I can say what I want.
I was reading a friends blog the other day and something hit home. My friend eats her trouble away. This is something I can relate to whole heartedly.
When I am stressed I eat. When I am upset I eat. When I am depressed I eat. But eating would not be a problem if I ate, say veggies or PB or even full on steaks... my poison of choice is ice cream. A lot of it. When I have had a really bad day not only do I grab a pint of Ben & Jerry's but a tube of cookie dough.
Then I eat all of it.
When I'm eating this I know that it won't make anything better. I know that ice cream will solve nothing. I know that eating this much ice cream and chocolate and cookie dough this late at night is not good for me...
Here is a typical bad day in the life of Aubrey.
Stress of school, money, room mates, friend drama... By the time around 6:00pm comes around I am whole heartedly depressed.
I have no power over the things that are causing me stress. I can't make school go by faster. I can't make clients be nicer. I can't make the teachers any better at teaching. I have no power over how many dishes my room mates leave in the sink. I have no power over how loud they watch the TV. I can't change the things around me. I am incapable of doing anything...
But I can control what I eat, I have the power to choose. Eating is the only thing I can find to DO. I know that it doesn't fix anything, but I tell myself, at least I'm doing something.
Now, if you are one of those people who just say; "Eat something different." or "Things will only bother you if you let them." or "Life happens, everyone has stress" Then I suggest that you stop reading my blog and go read up on depression. Not sadness; gloom; dejection. But rather clinical depression meaning "a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason"
Unexplainable feelings of worthlessness. Crying over something small like not being able to find a spoon for your cereal. inefficient Wanting nothing more than to sleep all day, dream your cares away. Helplessness, inefficient, powerless, abandoned, hopelessness.
When I feel this way I have strange cravings for ice cream, candy, chocolate, cookie dough. Things I know are bad for me. I think that somewhere in the back of my mind I am trying to compensate my actions to how I feel? I feel horrible emotionally, for no reason, so I eat pints of ice cream so I feel guilty a tangible emotion with a reasonable explanation. Also, I feel horrible emotionally, but after I eat all this I feel horribly physically as well.
My stomach aches caused by ice cream at 9:00pm is a physical pain not only with an discernible reason but something you can understand. I say "I'm depressed and hopeless" and stupid people say, "Then just choose to be happy" but they don't understand that doing this is not in my power. But when I say "I have a horrible stomach ache which kept me up all night" Even the stupid people can relate. Everyone has had a stomach ache before. I bet everyone has even eaten ice cream late at night and felt the consequences the next day.
I'm not sure what the point of this post was.... maybe I'm just thinking out loud (thinking on line... TOL?)
Awe well, the class is near over now, I am off and away
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